Is 'Con Air' actually a documentary about stag-dos?
I mapped out every striking similarity.
Con Air isn't just the greatest action film ever made.
Beneath its slow-mo explosions, bunny unboxing and Nicolas Cage’s majestic mullet... is a poignant portrayal of a typical stag weekend.
A documentary masterpiece, Con Air maps every stag-do cliché perfectly.
Forget a prison transport plane - that’s the 6:40am EasyJet to Hamburg with twelve lads who promised they'd behave.
This is educational viewing, aimed at young men approaching ‘the stag-do years’. The film presents the raw, honest truth of who and what to expect, all through the twisted lens of a '90s Jerry Bruckheimer film.
If you can’t remember (or somehow haven't seen) Con Air - I suggest you watch it before reading further, so this makes sense.
Here’s The Lead Charaters:
The Weird Guy Nobody Wants to Share a Room With
This odd chap will arrive late, likely through other means, like the ferry. He’ll go missing for large portions of the trip, and reappear at random moments. He’s totally at ease with his own weirdness, and despite his deadpan demeanour, he still has a lovely time.
The Self-Assured Leader
This guy leads the group through a lethal combo of intelligence and cutting remarks. Most people think he’s a bit of a tosser, but they’d prefer to laugh along and keep things peachy. Back home, his girlfriend claims “he’s such a sweet guy when you get to know him,” which you struggle to comprehend.
The Stag Himself
The stag is constantly on edge about what’s in store. He’s a mere passenger with zero control over the planned events of hijinks and hijacking. However, there’ll be a breaking point when he can’t take any more shots and lashes out at his reprobate pals. He also bangs on about ‘his girl back home’. Get over it mate - you’re out with the lads.
The Dad on the Stag
Within three minutes of landing, it’s obvious who has kids back home. They let loose, breaking free from the confines of their everyday life. It’s one of my favourite things to witness - a true wonder of the natural world. Expect them to don some wacky outfits, dance the night away and bring a positive energy that the others can only dream of. Without doubt - everyone’s MVP.
The One Guy Who Shows a Genuine Interest In You
Most of the guys make a cursory effort to befriend you. But this lad is great. He shows a real interest in your life and even gets further than ‘how do you know the stag?’ Part of you suspects a long-term friendship is blossoming, but then he confesses to loving The Big Bang Theory and you instantly disown him.
The Groom’s Wet Home Friend
Rather than make an effort with the wider group, this one sticks to his only mate - the groom. He’s totally out of his depth amongst the laddishness and sneaks home early during nights out. He’s got some sort of niche medical condition which nobody cares about, yet it makes up the majority of his conversation. Stay clear.
The Responsible One
Often the Best Man, this guy planned everything meticulously, only for the group’s antics to destroy it all. He’s constantly on the phone, rearranging timings, barely enjoying himself. His only reward: a handful of generic "quality weekend lads" texts after the trip, which he’ll treasure forever. Fun fact: his catchphrase is “first taxi’s here!”
The Leader’s Best Mate
Every leader of a stag group needs a loyal disciple to laugh at their crap jokes, protect them during scuffles and most importantly - enforce international drinking rules -“Imbibe!”
Deep down, he’s a sweet guy who dislikes the leader, but lacks the courage to be anything but subservient, even when he’s the butt of the jokes.
The Useful One
Within seconds of arriving at the accommodation, this guy posts the WiFi password in the group chat. He’ll get the air-con working after everyone has tried, and he even manages to get music on the sound system despite its lack of Bluetooth. Yes, he brought the cables.
The Bloke Who Does His Own Thing That Nobody Else Can Afford
This chap only knows the groom through work, and instead of staying in the crowded Airbnb, he pays for his own hotel. Strangely aloof, he meets the gang between other plans he’s made for just himself. Nobody slags him off as he pays for loads of drinks, but his behaviour does become quite off, which makes for some great side chats.
The Rep Nobody Has A Chance With
This poor woman is hired to take the lads from A to B, usually in the form of a beer tour or pub crawl. She strikes a perfect balance between fun ‘n’ flirty and ruthless timekeeping. Naturally, an unsaid game of ‘talk to the rep’ evolves amongst the gang and people you thought were your friend take the piss out of you in a desperate bid to elevate their status. Once everyone is safely inside the club - she heads home (alone) and drops her charade of being mates with any of you.
The Flash Git
This guy wears sunglasses indoors and has various shit tattoos. He’ll be significantly more flash and belligerent than everyone else, and has a photo of his Audi on his phone’s lock screen. His inherited wealth has granted him a confidence that makes him unafraid to challenge the group’s alphas and go his own way - even if nobody follows him as his ideas are rubbish.
The Class Clown
This chap’s social currency is gags. He cracks jokes, dishes out nicknames and even sets people on fire - all somehow in the name of “banter”. Nobody else seems to laugh, but that doesn’t stop him - he’s his own favourite audience. The wider group tolerates him but they certainly don’t respect him. If anything, he’s quite annoying. Tragic stuff.
The ‘Legendary Shagger’ (his term)
This pathetic individual will consistently reminisce about his latest “female conquests” - shoehorning them into most conversations. His reviews of any bars, clubs or restaurants are solely determined by the quality and quantity of girls. He even announces the number of women he’s shagged (600 apparently) to impress randomers (see video). A deeply embarrassing bloke.
The Bride’s Father
Since this guy hasn’t been out on the town for two decades, he’s running on pure adrenaline and lager. He struggles to keep up, but he’s grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. It’s a rare break from his mundane desk job - and he’s making it count. With age comes better resources: he’s booking unnecessary Ubers, ordering posh drinks nobody wants, and staying alone in a hotel he paid for because “I need my own bathroom lads.”
The Absolute Liability
This guy arrives at the airport with an anxious energy. There’s still some gear in his system from the night before, he’s on full tilt. Expect him to prang out mid-flight, mid-paintballing, and mid-lap dance. He’ll lose his passport in the club on the first night, and he’ll take 15 months to pay his Splitwise tab.
The Airbnb Host Who Kills the Vibe by Giving a Needlessly Long Tour of the Apartment
When you arrive at the accommodation, it is imperative that you stay clear of this man. His monologue on lockboxes, aircon units and noise level limitations will sap your lifeforce. Wait nearby until he’s left the building. Only one person needs to listen and nod along - don’t let it be you.